Anti-Lock Brakes are Dark-Sided, Psychic, Gargoyle, Dark-Siders

Yo, douchebag with the Honda that came equipped with an anti-lock braking system. Yeah, you... I'm talking to you. Gotta minute? I wanna talk to you about something...

OK. So driving up to a STOP sign at 50-miles per hour and applying the brakes 5 feet before you need to stop - just because you can - makes you a douche. You see, I'm carrying precious cargo in my vehicle. Me. And when I see you flying towards the STOP sign while talking on the phone and sipping your Starbucks, I have to drive defensively. Sorry, but that glazed look in your eyes doesn't warrant a lot of trust that you may or may not stop. So I, in turn, slow down - making it take longer for you to get through the intersection. So much for the .021-milliseconds you saved. And that little move that I do, you know, the one where it looks like I'm not paying attention and I "accidently" swerve into your direction, making you feel like I'm about to plow into the drivers side of your car. Yeah, the look on your face is priceless. And when I make that scared face, like "oh my god! I can't stop! We're gonna die!", and we make terrorizing eye-contact, well I cherish those moments. So much so that your douchbaggery is almost worth it sometimes.

But one of these days, I'm going to be in a hurry, and I'll be talking to somebody on my cell phone (probably somebody really important), and I'll be sipping MY coffee and browsing the web at 50-miles per hour. And I don't think you'll be there for me when I blow through that STOP sign. And frankly, that makes me feel like I'm carrying the bulk of the responsibility in this commuter relationship. But all I want you to do now is to just stop being an ABS douchebag. That's all I want. Just stop... at a safe and courteous braking distance.